All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Randomize
