yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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