so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
