It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
