Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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