Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
