I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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