Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
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You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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