Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
