i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
no you cant smoke seaweed
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
In other news, I just burned my penis
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
