Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
