Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
