Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
