I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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