if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
