john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
