I wish I only lived at night.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
