HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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