Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
