fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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