My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
