Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
