note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
