I've blown a few things in my day
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
