I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
