I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
