I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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