pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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