Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
