You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
