Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
