I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
