I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
