The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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