when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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