You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I deserve this hangover.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
