My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
