you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
