I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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