so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
