I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
