Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
