I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
