TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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