captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
