Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
