a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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