she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
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I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
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