she kept yelling 'call me bella'
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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