I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
