i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
