Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
