Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
