That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
