I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
