I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
