I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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