and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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