can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
