You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
