i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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