So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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